How To Succeed In Parenting Without Really Trying

The title of this post just sort of came to me, probably because I read or saw something about the play of a very similar name. Regardless, it sounded like the title of a parenting guide for really lazy people, and I thought it would be funny if I wrote a satirical parenting book filled with bad advice and justifications for poor parenting. This post is the first "chapter", if you will. Whether or not there are subsequent chapters will be determined by your feedback in the comments, so if you like this (or hate it with the fury of a thousand suns), please let me know. Thanks.

I Try - Macy Gray
One of the first things other parents will judge you on is how much tv you let your kid watch. If you keep them entertained with books and wooden toys like a Luddite, you are a conscientious and progressive parent, and if you let them watch it at all, you're lazy and neglectful.

And smart. There are a wealth of reasons that letting your kids watch television will make you a successful parent.

You know how they say that kids who watch tv are less healthy and more lethargic? Well, why is that such a bad thing? Tell me you haven't wished your kid was just a little slower when you were trying to wrangle them in the bath, or when you're chasing them through the Piggly Wiggly carrying a six pack and a fifth of whiskey. Wouldn't a slower kid make life a lot easier? Plus, since everything would take longer, you get more quality time with the little rascal.

Then there's the people who say that watching too much tv will turn your kid into a mindless zombie. To that I say, who doesn't want a mindless kid who does exactly what they're told, when they're told? Nobody, that's who. A mindless kid is an obedient kid.

Plus, you can shape your child's education with tv. Now, to be clear, I am not endorsing the viewing of the Discovery Channel or stuff like that. Kids who watch too much of that will start to know things, and when a kid knows something, they start to get ideas, and with ideas comes rebellion, which is something we don't want. No, I'm talking about stuff like the Food Network (if they're sitting there doing nothing, the least they could do is learn how to fix you some dinner, am I right?) or perhaps a little HGTV (so maybe someone will finally fix that leaky toilet).

On a related note, tv will help you shelter your child from the reality of life. The people on tv won't care if their socks don't match (or if they're clean) or they don't have the latest innovations like shoes or books. A kid who knows about what goes on outside your home is a kid who knows how shitty a parenting job you're really doing.

In summary, letting your kids watch lots of tv will make your kid more receptive to your parenting genius, because they're too out of shape to get away and too stupid to want to.

Gifts: Need or Want?

The Gift - Angels and Airwaves
We live in a decent sized house for four people. It is by no means large, but it is certainly sufficient for a four person family. Each child has their own bedroom, as well as a master bedroom for MTM and myself. Every room in our house has at least a few toys for both kids, with the exception that their own bedroom does not contain toys for their sibling. Even our basement, though unfinished, has some play things.

I would like to be able to say that in an ideal world we would have a great big house with a toy room and a rec room and enough space for tons of toys. I would like to be able to say that, but honestly I don't feel that way. I feel like our kids already have too many toys and books at the present time, regardless of how much space we have for them. Even with the common technique of rotating various similar toys in and out of storage, we still have more stuff available to the kids than they could possibly need or play with.

At the end of March, Munchkin will turn four years old (trust me, I am already having the "woah, when did that happen?" moments regularly, but that is a subject for another post). In anticipation of this event, people (mostly grandparents and aunts) have asked what she wants for her birthday. She wants everything Disney Princess, My Little Pony and half the shows on Treehouse that have a marketing presence in Toys R Us. She needs none of it. We have room for none of it. Between hand me downs from a friend with an older girl (she's about one year ahead of Munchkin in size) and the fact that her growth rate has slowed somewhat, we don't really need clothes either.

What makes the most sense for her is money for her RESP (or her "college fund" for those non-Canadian readers). However, some people don't like giving her money for her education. The exceptions are my older sister (who has two kids of her own) who generally gives her a small token and a cheque (like we do for her kids) and my inlaws, who are usually pretty good about giving a cheque for her RESP.

But the rest of the people who buy for her want "something fun" or something that will get a huge reaction from her, and since a cheque will not do that, they are reluctant to give one. Instead, they buy her more clothes, or more toys, or more junk that she doesn't need and that we don't have the space for.

I feel ungrateful, even greedy saying this, but why can't people just give her what we suggest? I know it's their perogative to choose a gift for her, but if they know she's only four, and they know our space situation, why do they insist on buying her stuff that she will love for a moment and then toss aside, or stuff she really doesn't need? Why not invest in her future?

(To be fair, this is really a rant about my mother, who does all the present buying for my parents, and staunchly refuses to be practical with Munchkin's birthday. MTM and I have had to come up with "big ticket items" for her to buy: stuff like tickets to shows that we weren't planning to go to, or season's passes for theme parks that we would not get - and neither for financial so much as practical reasons. It's frustrating to "waste" their money on stuff instead of putting it away for a time when she'll actually need their money.)

We can't be alone in this, can we? There are other parents out there who are struggling with the same thing, right? (Lie to me if you need to, please.)

Siblings

Brothers And Sisters - Soul Attorneys
My father moved to Canada at the age of 25. Since then, he has been back to Italy a handful of times, and he speaks to his siblings there occasionally (as in, a five minute conversation once every few weeks). He has one sister in Quebec (who was there when he came to Canada), probably an eight or ten hour drive away, who he has visited maybe 12 times in the last 50 years, and who has been to visit him maybe six times over that same period. Bottom line, he is not that close with his siblings.

My mother is one of five daughters, and one of three who still live in the city where they were born. Since my grandmother died, she has seen one of them once, and that was by chance when my father was in the hospital and my aunt's brother-in-law was in another room on the same floor. When one of the two who lives out of town (she lives in Yellowknife, and is actually my godmother) visited last year, she didn't even see my mother. Bottom line, she's even less close with her sisters than my father, if that's possible.

My FIL is one of three brothers, one of two who live in the same greater municipality. Other than the occasional Christmas or Easter, they rarely see each other either. My MIL is an only child, so she adds nothing to this discussion.

MTM and her only sister are enjoying a renaissance of late, seeing each other more than in the past, and I have to admit I am very happy for them. They love each other, but because they are at such different points in their lives (my SIL is only two years younger than MTM, but is unmarried and just recently moved in with her boyfriend) it has been difficult to find common ground. (Another contributor to their difficulties was my SIL's innate ability to emulate my MIL. She seems to be deprogramming herself these days, with the help of her boyfriend, which has improved MTM's relationship with her.)

I'm one of three kids. My sisters and I all live in different cities, at least two hours apart by car. Yet, we make an effort to see each other at least once a month. Sure, part of it is because we all visit my parents, who can't really travel, but I firmly believe that we'll make an effort to see each other even after my parents are gone. (Although I have to admit, I'm going to expect them to make the trip to me more often than they do now, since currently we're the ones furthest from my parents and therefore are the ones to "come back" most.) We don't talk on the phone much, save for my younger sister and I calling each other during commercials for some tv shows we watch simultaneously, but that's as much a function of me being a shitty phone conversationalist as anything.

I have no idea how any of our parents were parented, and my knowledge of MTM's upbringing is second hand and incomplete. However, I cannot figure out what my parents did that was so different that fostered the relationship my sisters and I share. With the exception of my situation, all the others have this underlying sense of envy that I believe is a big part of the distance. My father's siblings are jealous that he left their little farming community and made a better life for himself in Canada. My mother's sisters hate the fact that she got a university degree. MTM's uncle married a widow who not only inherited a tidy life insurance policy, but also recently got even more money from her father who passed, and I think it's safe to say that at least my MIL (if not my FIL too) are envious of their financial position. I know that my SIL is jealous of the fact that by the time MTM was her age, she was already married with a baby, while she is not even engaged. But for whatever reason, there isn't that sense of jealousy between my sisters and me. We all have different standards of living, we all have different financial situations, yet we don't begrudge the others.

When I look at Munchkin doting over her baby brother, doing her best to include him in her imaginative play as he stands in his exersaucer or sits in his highchair, or when I see him watching her intently, his eyes following her every move, I wonder if they will always love each other this much. Logically, I know they will go that period where he annoys the ever-loving shit out of her, or she tries to be his parent rather than his sister, but when they come out on the other side of that, what will their relationship be like? Will it suffer because of jealousy, or will they be able to be happy for one another without having the disparity affect their relationship?

Of course, I hope that they stay close. All parents hope for their kids to remain close long after the family unit they create as expanded and grown. But I cannot help but wonder if they actually will, or, for that matter, if my sisters and I will continue in the vein we have thus far.

What about you? Are you close with your siblings? Are your parents or your inlaws or your spouse? What things will you do to encourage your kids to remain close as time passes?

Transitions

New Way, New Life - Asian Dub Foundation
When MTM was pregnant with Munchkin, a lot of people voiced their opinion that becoming a parent for the first time (in parenting circles, the addition of a new child is referred to as a "transition", so this is known as the "transition from none to one") is a change unlike anything experienced. (Incidentally, there's something about pregnancy that brings out the inner Dear Abby, or Oprah, or Dr. Phil, in others.)

They were right. Bringing a baby into the world is a unique experience that really defies explanation. It's not impossible to describe it, but any description I can provide will not do its dramatic nature justice. The biggest change is the knowledge that you have to put someone other than yourself or your partner first, that your needs are secondary to those of this little person.

Then, when MTM became pregnant for the second time with the baby who would become Buddy, many people (again channeling their inner advisor) opined that the transition from one to two was even more dramatic than the one from none to one. I was skeptical: we had already navigated the treacherous waters of new parenthood, figuring out our grooves and our routines. We had learned (by trial and error) the best way to bathe a baby in our house, the best way to set up the change table and how to install the car seat. We were experienced. Sure, adding a second child, a new baby, would make more work, but I could not see the change being as significant as the addition of Munchkin to our lives.

What I failed to consider, however, is that when we transitioned from none to one, we simply moved focus: instead of our spouse being our number one, it was our baby. We didn't need to explain, or justify, or defend ourselves to the other; they just understood.

When we added Buddy to the mix, it wasn't that simple. We could not just devote ourselves to him because Munchkin still needed our attention. For the first time, we had to figure out how to divide our attention between two little people. We were lucky, because Munchkin is very mature for her age, but she is still just a preschooler. We had to make sure that Buddy's needs were being met without making Munchkin feel replaced or unimportant. It was definitely more complicated to go from one to two, as the pundits had predicted.

But the one thing no one mentioned, and maybe it's just something that occurred to me, is how different two kids feels. With Munchkin, we would call ourselves a family of three, but I thought of us more like a couple with a child than a family. Now, however, it's different. We're a family of four. Maybe it's just semantics to some people, but to me it feels so different. It still surprises me sometimes, almost five months later (seriously, it's been almost five months), that we're a family, not just a couple with kids.

What about you? Did you find the transitions to be harder the more kids you added, or did experience make the change easier? And, did having one kid feel as different as having two?

When Relaxation Becomes Work

You Know It's Hard - The Crystal Method
Way back in the olden days, when MTM and I were DINKS, we used to go out for dinner often (at least one or two times a week). It was a luxury we enjoyed and could afford, given our financial situation. Sure, from my inlaw's some people's perspective it was wasteful; money that could be better used for either items or simply savings, but for us it was a pleasure we were unwilling to go without.

When Munchkin was born, our dinners out became fewer in number. Some were replaced by take out, but even those were less frequent than before we had kids. Part of it was simple economics: MTM was a SAHM now, and therefore we had significantly less disposable income.

I honestly don't remember many of those early restaurant dinners, save for the milestone ones (like the first time we ate at a restaurant with Munchkin as an infant, where we scarfed down our food quickly while she slept, terrified that she would wake up screaming). I have vague recollections of tons of toys being paraded out for her to play with (and those plans being a complete failure and one of us holding her during the entire meal), but otherwise it's all a blur... probably part of that "selective memory" thing parents have that enable them to have more than one kid.

What I do recall is that in the months before Buddy was born, restaurant dinners were a blast. She would happily colour with the provided crayons and paper for a while, and then stop and engage both MTM and I in conversations. Dinners out were fun, entertaining, and above all, enjoyable.

This weekend, we went out for dinner on Saturday night, and admittedly both MTM and I were not feeling well. However, now that Buddy is eating solids at every meal, we had to get him fed first. Then, when we got there they had to set up the high chair so we could put his infant carrier in it. Then, the place was insanely busy, so we waited extra long for everything, which meant that even though Buddy slept for part of the meal, we still spent part of it holding him (and the rest of it trying to explain to our overtired preschooler, who was incredibly patient given the circumstances, why she could not rub her hands under the table and then eat with them one hundred million times).

We got home and somewhere in between getting Munchkin on the toilet (she won't poo in public restrooms) and getting a screaming Buddy out of his car seat I turned to MTM and said, "You know what's crazy? I think I'm more tired now than if we had just stayed home and cooked dinner ourselves."

"Tell me about it."

"Like, I mean, going out for dinner is supposed to be a break. It wasn't. It was work."

So, who out there is with me? Delivery is good (take out can be too, but not for the one who has to stay home wrangling two hungry kids), but restaurants are for the childless and those without babies. (I know, I know... a baby daddy saying babies don't belong in restaurants!)

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I also have a review up for some no name® products (available at Loblaws).

Proven Right

Bright Side - Thornley
I am fascinated by genetics; not so much the chromosomes or the genomes or the alleles stuff, but more of the application, specifically inheritance. Maybe it's because I always felt like I was a black sheep in my family, that I had nothing in common with anyone I was related to, or maybe it's the seemingly random nature of it all. Regardless of the reasons, it has always been a topic of interest.

Now that we have kids, my curiosity has only increased. The fact that both my daughter and (likely) my son have bright blue eyes while mine are the darkest shade of brown makes me want to ask for a paternity test fascinates me. That my daughter is deemed, by almost anyone who meets her, a "mini-me" of MTM and Buddy seems to unfortunately be headed down that same path with me is cool beyond words.

When Munchkin was a baby, I was convinced that she was bright. Even though she couldn't speak or even sit up, I saw things, very subtle things that I believed demonstrated an aptitude for problem solving. I saw her using reason to figure things out, and one day proclaimed that I expected her to do very well in areas of non-verbal intelligence. (As an aside, my reasons for doing this were because I was paranoid about her "turning out like me" - I wrote about this subject before.) MTM smiled and patted me on the head.

A few weeks ago, MTM enrolled Munchkin in a preschool math class, partly for something to do on snowy winter afternoons and partly to try and get her accustomed to a classroom setting. (The fact that MTM stays in the classroom with her means that this does not excuse me from writing - probably ad nauseum - in August about my concerns with Munchkin going to school and her current lack of independence.)

This is the part where I get to say I told you so.

In the first class, they did some comparisons (preschool math is more about quantitative concepts rather than actual numerical manipulation). Each child was given a small stuffed bear and instructed to find things that were both larger and smaller than their bear. After a few minutes of this, Munchkin began expanding her requirements, identifying things that were heavier and lighter, darker and paler, and so on. The instructor turned to MTM with a look of surprise, since three year olds are not supposed to expand and apply a concept on their own.

Later, after a lesson on patterns, they were all given a handful of small plastic items (bears again, I think) and told to make their own. Munchkin took hers and began carefully laying them out. The instructor approached, looked at her table, and said to MTM, "Oh. Sometimes it's more fun to just line up the bears."

Munchkin, overhearing this, said, "No, this is my pattern."

"Oh? Can you tell me about it?"

"Sure. This one is face down. This one is face up. This one is sitting down. This one is face down..."

Basically, she had put together a pattern that was too complex for the instructor to identify at first glance. She later began to integrate colour into her pattern, keeping the face down / face up / sitting sequence while alternating between two colours as well. (OK, for those who I lost with my description, she would put a red one face down, then a blue one face up, then a red one sitting, then a blue one face down, and so on...)

I tell this story not to brag about what my kid is doing (although I will admit it's pretty amazing, at least to me) but to show that parents know their kid best. We see them, we watch them, we let them grow and develop and we teach them. We know what they are capable of, even if other people think we're nuts. We have to trust our instincts and hold our convictions, even in the face of disagreement from others.

What things do you know about your kid that other people don't see? How did you come to identify these traits within your child?

Double Standard Gender Bias

Boys Dont Cry - The Cure
I am not, by anyone's definition, a stereotypical man. I cook, I clean, I change diapers and take care of my children. When MTM and I were first living together, I was the one who came home every day after work and cleaned the house, or did the laundry, and always had dinner ready for her when she got home (because I worked 20 minutes away, and finished at 3.00pm, while she was well over an hour away, and didn't finish until after 4.00pm most days). Bottom line: gender biased I am not.

I also know I am not the only man who is like this. Many men have abandoned the antiquated notion that a woman's place is in the kitchen (and a man's is on the couch).

This weekend, MTM and I were having a conversation (caused by me jokingly telling Buddy that I would have to take away his doll, I will admit - note that Munchkin was not in the room at the time) about how she plans to encourage his feminine side, that it was important for us to encourage him to play with Munchkin's kitchen and dolls and whatever. I countered that I felt that while we would in no way discourage such interests, I did not see the need to force them upon him. We did not, I argued, buy Munchkin a "little mechanic" tool bench, nor did we purchase an equal number of dolls and trucks.

Instead, we purchased a few trucks, and exposed her to the idea of playing with vehicles. We also purchased a building blocks of various styles (wooden as well as plastic MegaBloks), another historically "boy toy". We did not force her to play with them, to explore her masculine side. We allowed her tastes to guide her acquisition: she liked the building toys, so we got more of them so she could make larger structures, but she wasn't all that keen on the trucks, so we only have a few. What she absolutely adored were things like play food, kitchen utensils, doll clothes, doll accessories (like a stroller) and of course, dolls. So, the bulk of her playthings are what most would consider "traditional girl".

Why then, is it so important to do that with Buddy? In no way am I suggesting that we should prevent him from having "girly" interests (as the son of a father who, at the age of three, disposed of his lovey - a yellow blanket - that, to my horror, I later found buried in our backyard, I am incapable of such an act). However, I do not see the need to encourage him one way or another. If he likes playing with the play kitchen, super. Is it a sign that he is a sensitive new aged man in training? Possibly. Is it a sign that he sees his old man cook dinner? Possibly. Is it a sign that he sees his mother and father (and grandparents, and older sister) cook or pretend to cook? Probably. Ultimately, it isn't the toys that will determine his interests, it is his interests that will determine his toys.

We are not unique in this matter. When raising children, I have found many - if not most - mothers believe it is important to encourage gender neutrality (if not complete suppression of so-called "traditional" stereotypes) when raising boys. However, few would place the same emphasis on raising a girl to be more masculine.

When did using parents as role models become obsolete? Why do we have to rely on toys to teach our children that gender roles are not necessarily what mass marketing and media define them to be? And furthermore, why is there a double standard when it comes to encouraging the feminine side in boys as opposed to the masculine in girls?

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I also have a review post up for a really cool BPA free breast milk storage system called Milk Bank.

Helpless

For those who are relatively new to the site, or are plagued by outdated ideals, a little background: I am a dad to two kids who works outside the home. My wife is a SAHM. However, I try to be as involved a parent as I can, given my time constraints. I flex my schedule and I work from home in an effort to be with my family more.

Help! - The Beatles
In the past few weeks, MTM has left me alone with both kids while she went out to do errands a number of times. Sometimes Munchkin is already in bed, and sometimes the plan is for me to put her to bed. Buddy, our little night owl, is never in bed.

With the exception of the two times where she left after Buddy was asleep, I have had to cut her excursion short by calling her to come home because Buddy is inconsolable. In my defense, I don't call her at the first sign of trouble, and if there is a bottle available (either pumped breastmilk, or instructions that a little formula is OK) I always try to eliminate the food thing (since breastfeeding is the one task I am unable to perform). However, I am disappointed (and I must admit, more than a little embarassed) to say that I have had to call for support every.single.time.

I hate having to do that. I am so not that dad: the one who calls his mother (or MIL, or other - usually female - family member) over to "visit" whenever his wife leaves him alone with the baby. I will own up to being a little shy in the diaper changing arena recently, but that has more to do with the unpredictability of undiapered boy parts than anything else. Otherwise, I'm in there as much as I can be. I try to get face time with both kids, I try to be the one to bathe them both all the time, I try to play with and engage Buddy whenever I can.

I'm fighting a losing battle. MTM is the at-home parent: he sees her from the moment he wakes up (and right now, throughout most of the night), and she is constantly there for him. She is the face he sees all the time. I am the funny man who comes around and tickles him, or bounces him occasionally. On top of that, MTM is breastfeeding Buddy, which is totally awesome and amazing, except that it solidifies their bond, and makes me even more of "Not The Momma". I will never be her equal, not right now at least.

But I want to at least be an acceptable substitute. I hate the feeling of helplessness as I hold my sobbing baby boy in my arms, trying to stay calm and whisper in his ear, "Daddy's here, Buddy. Everything's OK. Daddy is right here. Daddy loves you very much." I hate that he cries so hard that he loses his breath and seems to stop breathing at points during the cries, doing that heartbreaking "silent cry" that babies do. It makes me sick to my stomach that I cannot fix his problem, and it makes me feel like less of a parent that as soon as MTM walks through the door and holds him, he stops crying and often smiles at her.

It sucks: feeling this powerless, feeling this useless, feeling this helpless.

In Your Neighbourhood

Skater Boy - Avril Lavigne
There's a teenager, probably 15 or 16 years old, who lives across the street from us. He rides his skateboard in the street a lot, often by himself, but sometimes with friends. He's a pretty typical kid for his age, except that he avoids eye contact with us, doesn't say much to anyone, and is generally sullen. In short, he's a bit odd, but nothing too alarming.

Munchkin has been fascinated with him since last summer. She talks about him a lot, and tries to watch him skateboard (either outside in front of our house or from her bedroom window which has a view of the street). She will often try to wave at him or engage him in conversation (shyly, with little or no volume) and, as expected, he doesn't notice.

As part of Valentine's Day, MTM made cupcakes with Munchkin. They made extras for some people in the neighbourhood, including three for the people across the street (the teenager's mom has sent over cupcakes at Halloween and again at Christmas, so we felt the need to reciprocate). Munchkin decorated the boy's cupcake "extra special", putting lots of candy on it "because he likes candy". She made a point of telling this to his mother when she and MTM dropped them off at their house on Friday (the day before Valentine's Day).

On Saturday (Valentine's Day), just before dinner, the doorbell rang. It was the woman from across the street, and she had a very nice children's book for Munchkin and Buddy (as an aside, she is the sweetest woman: she has special gifts for the kids at Halloween, like stuffed animals or books, and is always willing to talk to Munchkin when they pass on the sidewalk). She also had one of those gummy/jelly sucker/skewer things (you know what I mean... they're like a foot long stick with candy impaled on it) with a large white (gummy) bear on top. And it came with a story.

Apparently, the teenager (her son) was shopping with his mother (her) when he walked up to her with the aforementioned skewer and said, "Mom, do you think Munchkin would like this?" and they proceeded to buy it for Munchkin. The mother then spent the better part of the afternoon trying to convince her son to bring the candy over to our place, but he was too shy to do it, so in the end he had his mom bring it.

The mother was so proud of her teenaged son for choosing out a candy stick for a not-quite four year old. MTM thought it was very sweet of him to do that. Munchkin was (and still is) beside herself for the gesture.

I, on the other hand, find it a little odd that he did this. I can't put my finger on it, but something about how it all played out just seems, I don't know, wrong. It's not like I think he's a scary kid who's going to hurt my daughter or something, or that he has improper ideas about her, but I just don't feel comfortable with him buying her candy.

Am I nuts? What would you do if a teenager bought your kid candy, even if it was a neighbourhood kid who you technically "knew"?

Valentine's Day E-Cards Volume Two

Love Is Blindness - U2
I had so much fun doing this last year that I thought I'd do it again. Here are some Valentine's Day e-cards for the more obscure circumstances (click to enlarge):

Caring For Aging Parents

(Note to self: "ask me any question" type posts? Not so popular.)

Saturn,the Bringer of Old Age - Holst
When I was still a year away from deciding what universities I would apply to, I had concluded that I would attend the local school. It would be cheaper (I could live at home) and easier (no moving); plus, I didn't think I could afford to go to school out of town. However, after some encouragement from my older sister, I ended up attending school out of town. Between the time I left home for my first term and now, I lived in my parent's house for a total of six months (one four month stint my first summer work term because I couldn't find an engineering job and ended up working at a factory, and one two month stint at the end of my last term before I started my full-time job). Other than that, I have always been at least two hours away by car, and since I finished school, I have been over four hours away.

When I left, my younger sister was still in high school, and still living at home. She continued to live there through her undergrad and her graduate school, leaving for her PhD (coincidentally attending school very near where I lived at the time). Once she was finished her classroom requirements for her doctorate, she returned home but soon got her own apartment in town.

Through all of this, my older sister has lived about two hours away by car.

Sixteen years ago (when I first left home), my mother's health wasn't great, but it was nowhere near as debilitated as it is today. My father was in quite good health for a nearly 60 year old man. Basically, they were fine to be left alone. Since then, my mother's health has deteriorated to the point where she is effectively housebound, save for doctor's appointments and the occasional trip to the hair stylist. Up until recently, my father's health was still reasonably good, but ever since his surgery it has continued to deteriorate as well.

Ever since I returned from my last visit to see them, I have been questioning the decisions I have made. Of course, I would not change any of them because it would mean I would never have met MTM nor had Munchkin or Buddy. However, my choice to study away from my hometown and the subsequent choice to seek employment (relatively) far away has made things more difficult for my parents and sisters. We (MTM, the kids and myself) cannot be around continuously to take care of my parents, and we are not in a financial position to fund their care (nor are either of my sisters, for that matter).

(For the record, my older sister does not visit any more than we do, despite being less than half the distance away. I don't judge her for that; I am merely including it for completeness.)

Part of what complicates the situation is my father's tenacious desire to remain in their house, as well as in their town. If they were to sell the house and move into a facility with care providers, it would make things easier, but my dad doesn't want that. Nor will he consider a move to my sister's town or my town, where we could help with their care more.

Even though I know I am doing what I can, and that my primary responsibility is my wife and children, I still feel guilty for not being able to take care of my parents. I have a hard time distinguishing what is normal and what is above and beyond. I don't know if I'm "failing" as a son, or if I'm just in a shitty situation.

What about you? Is there anyone out there with parents who are starting to need care? How are you handling it? I am really interested to know.

The Rest Of The Answers

Last week I asked you for questions you wanted me to answer. Today's post will answer the remainder of those questions.

With A Little Help From My Friends - Joe Cocker
Leanne asked:

Ask your daddy does he want a coffee?

Honestly, I have found myself (usually a hard core coffee addict) drinking a lot more orange pekoe tea these days. I think I'm getting old.

Multi-tasking Mommy asked:

What about how much do you love your wife?

and a li'l bit squishy added:

Buddy, could you ask your Daddy to answer the questions about how much he loves your Momma, 'cause sometimes the love for Munchkin and Buddy seems to take away some of that focus?

I write about my wife when something silly happens more than anything else because I feel that our marriage is one thing that is private. To paraphrase Metro Dad: "A marriage is a lot like a duck swimming on a lake. Above the water, everything looks smooth and graceful and effortless, while underneath you see both legs paddling like crazy to make it happen." A lot of behind the scenes stuff goes into our marriage and makes it (what I consider to be, at least) the success it is, and I'm not going to get into those here. Bottom line, I love my wife more than anything. She is my number one priority, making her happy and meeting her needs and fulfilling her wants and desires is what drives me.

mamatulip asked:

What's for dinner tonight?
and...
What do you hope to teach your son that your father didn't teach you?

I have no idea what MTM is cooking for dinner tonight, so I'll answer for the next meal I'm preparing (Saturday for Valentine's Day): beef tenderloin steaks cooked in a cast iron skillet served with bearnaise sauce on the side, carrot risoto, and fresh vegetables. Dessert to be determined. As for what I hope to teach my son... that no matter what he does, if he disappoints me or whatever, that bottom line I will always love him and be proud to call him my son.

Renee asked:

A wealthy land owner died. In his will, he didn’t divide wealth between his two sons equally. Instead, he wrote that there should be a horse race between his sons. The one whose horse is the slowest will inherit the entire land.
After a few days into the race, the brothers have made no progress and begin to wonder what to do.
One day a wise old man gave them an advice. They jumped on the horses and raced as fast as they could to the finish line.
What did the wise old man suggest?

Then Avitable said:

Switch horses.
Oh, did I just ruin that?

Yes. Yes you did.

Robyn asked:

Hmmm...what are your thoughts on Valentine's Day? Valid or a Hallmark-holiday?

I think it's a manufactured holiday. Personally, I think if you need a calendar to tell you to treat your significant other nicely, you probably need to rethink your relationship, or at least your approach to it. As corny as it sounds, I try to make every day Valentine's Day for my wife, as best as I can. That doesn't mean flowers and pampering every night (sometimes I work late or whatever), but I always try to be as "nice" to her as I can, not just on February 14.

Daddy Geek Boy asked:

How did your kid learn to write like that?

He was born with that ability. Aren't all kids?

ZenMom asked:

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?

Easy: the ability to manipulate time and space (like Hiro on Heroes), so I could spend more time with my wife and kids.

crazymumma asked:

what if any vacation he could take you ALL on, expenses be damned....what would it be?

At this age, I would have to say Disneyworld. I have never been, and MTM went when she was too old to appreciate the magic. I think my daughter would love it, although I think some of it will be lost on my son. If they were older, I would say Italy, so they (and I - again, I have never been) can see their roots.

---

I just want to give a huge thank you to everyone who asked questions. I appreciate it a lot.

A Little Too Well

Strangers - Portishead
This weekend, I wanted to take some time with Munchkin for a Daddy-daughter "date" since we hadn't had a chance to do that since Christmas. I had a bunch of errands to run at the mall, so we went there to spend a little Daddy-daughter time.

Part of our fun was spent at the indoor playground, where kids get to run around like wild animals blow off some steam while their parents nap or goof on their cell phones watch with great interest. I noticed Munchkin had made a little friend, and asked her about it on the drive home.

"So I saw you were playing with a girl. Was she nice?"

"Yes, she was very nice. I don't remember her name though."

"Oh? She told you her name?"

"Yes. And she asked me for my name, but don't worry, Daddy, when she asked me I yelled 'No!'"

"Wait, what?"

"When she asked me what my name was, I yelled, 'No!'"

"Why did you do that?"

"Because she was a stranger. That's what you do when a stranger asks for your name."

I let it go at that; I wasn't sure if MTM had made some sort of rule about kids at that playground. When we got home, I had her tell the same story to MTM, who burst out laughing and explained to Munchkin that strangers were typically adults, or at least older kids, and not peers.

Long after the laughter stopped, I wondered if Munchkin was wrong in what she did. I came to the conclusion that even though it wasn't our intention for her to treat another preschooler like a potential pedophile, I would rather she err on the side of caution.

However, then I reconsidered my position. By encouraging the "better safe than sorry" approach, are we, as parents, fear mongering? Are we teaching her to fear first, trust later? And if we are doing this, is it the right way to go? I know that this world is a scary place with lots of weird and creepy people that can harm my child, and I know we need to protect her and teach her to protect herself. I just don't know if making her treat a four year old like Howie the pedophile from an ABC After School Special is the answer.

---

I just wanted to take a moment and thank everyone for their comments on yesterday's post. I really appreciate your support.

A Letter That Will Never Be Sent

Last week I asked you for questions you wanted me to answer. Today's topic comes from Avitable, who asked:

If you could write a letter to your in-laws and be completely no holds-barred in what you said, what would you write?

The only limitation I put on myself when I wrote this was length; the truthful "get everything off my chest" letter would probably be equivalent to a week's worth of posts, and none of us wants to read that much anger.

Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machine
Dear MIL and FIL,

I am writing this letter knowing that I will never send it, which will probably make the words more bitter and more angry, and the blows less softened.

When I asked for your blessing to ask MTM to marry me, FIL told me that I wasn't what you two had in mind for MTM. Look, I get it: I'm not athletic, I'm not an outdoorsman, I'm not as refined as you want yourselves to appear. In short, I'm nothing like you, or the boy from the family of three sons that MTM dated in high school, whose parents you befriended (and who, incidentally, like me a lot), who you hang out with at the cottage every summer because they go camping at the nearby provincial park. But, I'm here to tell you: get over it.

For the record, you're no prize either. You are probably two of the most selfish, self-absorbed, self-righteous people I have ever met. I am constantly shocked at how you can put your own needs and wants before those of everyone, including your own children and grandchildren. You live in your own little bubble and no one in your life has the balls (or cares enough, perhaps) to try and burst it.

That's why you dislike me: I don't actively try and burst your little bubble, but I do ignore it. I don't cater to your delusions that you're always right, even when you refuse to let something go. I stand up to you, and I have my own opinions and my own ideas, and (the biggest problem for you) I am intelligent enough to defend myself and my positions to the point where you just have to accept that not everyone thinks you're right.

You "blame" me for the "change" MTM went through when she met me. Before that she was a good girl who always did what she was told (by you), who followed the rules (defined by you), who made the right decisions (the ones you told her to make). Now she is a stronger, more independent woman. She questions rather than follows blindly, she holds true to her convictions. So if that's what your "blame" means, then thank you. That is the greatest (and only) compliment you have ever bestowed upon me. (For the record, she was always like that. I didn't "change" her that much; I just encouraged her to trust her own innate ideas more instead of succumbing to the "analysis paralysis" you taught her.)

You complain that you don't see your grandchildren enough, but instead of looking inside for answers, you blame me. You assume that because I dislike you, I refuse to go to your place or invite you over to ours. However, as with many other things, you are wrong. MTM knows I would go to your place whenever she asked me to; she just doesn't ask because you treat me like shit. So, you see the kids less because your own daughter can't stand how you treat me, not because your son-in-law is this evil, corrupting force.

Bottom line, figure your shit out, and figure it out fast: half of our visits now only occur because the kids don't see what you do and how you speak to me. Once they are old enough to see it, all bets are off. I'm willing to meet you in the middle. I'm willing to put all this shit in the past and move forward, but we have to actually move forward, we can't just have a big heart to heart and then go back to me being the bastard child of the family who gets treated only slightly better than an enemy (like the last time we "moved forward").

The day my daughter asks me, "Daddy, why does MIL talk to you like that?" is the day we stop going for pretty much all visits other than holidays (and I suspect even those will be fewer, but I cannot speak for my wife). And as an added bonus, you want to know what I'll tell my daughter when she inevitably asks me that question?

"I don't know. Go ask your grandmother."

The Evidence Is Irrefutable

Behold! The Night Mare - Smashing Pumpkins
Over the weekend, we rented Tinker Bell, which marked the first time we rented an actual movie DVD instead of episodes of a tv show (more background is available, if you're interested). However, the viewing had an unfortunate side effect.

Through viewing, we learned the following:

Tinker Bell	SciFi Dad
can repair a broken music box without knowing what it is	can solve computer problems without seeing the person's computer
can create new inventions from ideas	writes software that writes its own software
wants to be more than a "tinker fairy"	an engineer who writes a blog and clings to high school memories of playing saxophone
wears a very short dress and smiles coquettishly a lot	had that one night with the flowered purple mumu that we don't like to talk about

The evidence is irrefutable. There can only be one conclusion:

Gender Stereotypes

Ready to Go - Republica
One day a couple of weeks ago, over dinner, MTM said, "Daddy, Munchkin asked me a very interesting question today."

"Oh really?" Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck. What did I say? How screwed am I with this?

"Yes. I tried to answer her as best as I could, but I don't think I did a very good job. Why don't you ask Daddy, sweetheart?"

"Why don't girls play sports?" my daughter asked me sweetly.

"Pardon? Munchkin, girls play sports. They can play all sports."

"But then why aren't they on tv? When you watch sports, it's always men playing."

"Well, that's because the people who decide what is on tv think more people want to see men playing sports than women. That doesn't mean they're right, it just means they think people want to see men instead of women. I will find some women's sports on tv for you sometime, and we can watch them together, OK?"

"OK Daddy."

*    *    *
The next weekend, I found some women's figure skating. It may not have been what she considered sports, but it was the best I could do. I called Munchkin into the room.

"There you go, sweetheart. Women's sports."

"What's this Daddy? Is this hockey?"

"No, it's figure skating. It's another sport that is played on ice."

"But I want sports like you watch, with lots of people, not one person."

"OK. Daddy will try and find a team sport for you."

*    *    *
Luckily, CBS College Sports (a cable channel we have a free preview of) is showing NCAA Women's Basketball games right now. So, I wrote MTM a note telling her the channel and the time (it was a midweek, midday broadcast of a previously taped game) so she could show it to Munckin.

But I don't feel like that is enough. Other than basketball (the above mentioned NCAA and then the WNBA in the summer), there aren't a whole lot of women's team sports on television, save for the Olympics. (MTM suggested beach volleyball - proving that she has never actually seen women's volleyball and its overt sexualization of the competitors.) I could take her to some local high school games (again, I'm thinking volleyball and basketball, possibly soccer next fall), I suppose.

Until she's old enough to compete herself, how can I show her that even though society may not treat men's and women's team sports equally, that doesn't mean they're not equal? I want her to know that just because society has an idea about men and women doesn't mean she has to share that idea, especially if she disagrees with it.

Is just shy of four too young for gender politics and discussions about gender stereotyping? Is this one of those "the earlier the better" topics?

And Now A Word From...

Needles - Seether

(click to enlarge)


Seriously - any question. Just ask.

A Morning Conversation

A Girl Like You - Edwyn Collins
A couple of mornings ago, I walked into Munchkin's room to give her a good-bye cuddle before heading downstairs (we are trying to encourage her to sleep in by no longer allowing her to get up with me). As expected, she was already awake.

"Daddy, remember when you kissed me by accident on the lips before I went ice skating?" (She has a cold, and I forgot and mistakenly kissed her on the lips instead of the cheek.)

"Yes, princess."

"Does that mean you're going to get sick?"

"No, not for sure. Sometimes you can kiss someone who is sick but not get sick yourself."

"Oh good. Because if you got sick then you couldn't make money at work."

"Actually, my work understands that sometimes people get sick, so even if I'm sick I still make money."

"That's good, because if you went to work when you were sick, you would make the people at work sick too."

"That's right sweetheart."

"Well, if you can't make money because you're sick, everything will be OK. I can just open up my piggy bank."

"That's very generous of you, princess. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"OK sweetheart. Go to sleep now."

"I love you Daddy."

"I love you too, Munchkin."

*    *    *
Honestly, this parenting gig is filled with surprises. We all know this. However, even though we know this, we still have our breath taken away from time to time with moments such as this, moments that show us not only what our children are thinking, but also what kind of people they are turning into. And right now, I'm pretty happy with who my daughter is becoming.

Buddy At Four Months

21st Century (Digital Boy) - Bad Religion
Dear Buddy,

Yesterday was your four month birthday: a third of a year old already! You are growing so fast, little man! Even the NFL wanted to celebrate your birth, so they scheduled the Superbowl on that day.


Your big news this month is that now you can hold your head up for extended periods of time. Finally, we can put you in your sister's Bumbo, and exersaucer without Mommy telling me it's not safe a hundred million times. Along with the whole neck strength thing came the ability to change your frame of view by craning your neck into what appear to be very uncomfortable contortions. Both your mother and I hope you outgrow this habit soon for fear of permanent spinal damage.


You have also become far more alert this month. You will not only look at people, but also try to engage those who are too self-absorbed and watching Lost or Life on Mars aren't looking at you.


But it's not all wine and roses. You have figured out that when you fall asleep in your crib, you do not sleep with Mommy. Therefore, you have decided, you will not sleep in your crib. Unfortunately for you, Mommy has already been through this once with your sister, so I think you're in for a rude awakening soon. (Thankfully, Daddy is a sound sleeper, and will not be swayed by your wails in the night. Because Daddy is a big suck who would likely take you out of your crib at the first sign of distress.)


Sleep issues aside, you continue to be a source of entertainment and joy for your whole family. Your sister loves you so very much, and you simply adore her. I can only hope this continues into your teenage years, when I need you to kick some punk's ass who broke your sister's heart she needs your help.


For posterity, I am including a photo of you at your Superbowl-Cum-Birthday party yesterday:


(click to enlarge)