Subscribe
Thanks for all your kind words yesterday. His appointment with the specialist is actually this morning, so we don't know any more than we did before (other than the receptionist telling my mother to expect a lengthy appointment as they plan to run a battery of tests, which I suppose is a good thing).
To be completely honest, I didn't think that much of the sudden numbness on Friday. Part of my father's symptoms that precipitated his surgery included numbness, and he struggles with circulation problems a lot, so while the revelation was worrisome, it wasn't frightening.
However, when I learned that it happened again two days later, and that he had wet himself, and that he was sufficiently concerned to call an ambulance, then I started to panic.
I mean, this was my dad, who, for all his faults and shortcomings, is still my dad.
I kept it together, thanks in no small part to the fact that I reclaimed dinner preparation from MTM. (Originally, my plan was to make dinner - a beef tenderloin roast, if you want to know - but once everything was prepared and cooking, I realized the Lions were on tv and she kindly offered to finish the meal for me. However, when I got that first call on Sunday I knew I needed to be distracted, so I took over again.) A few times during dinner I got a little choked up, but ultimately I fought back the tears. (Actually, I haven't had any tears.)
If anything, I was probably more affectionate with the kids than normal, telling them I loved them more and asking for hugs and cuddles from Munchkin. (Buddy, who enjoyed the meal immensely, was covered in bits of potato and gravy, and therefore not an ideal candidate for in-meal hugs. He did, however, get his fair share after being wiped up.)
Obviously, we have not told the kids (really, Munchkin, as Buddy is too young to comprehend) anything yet, and unless she's really good at hiding it, she has no idea what is going on. Occasionally, I can see her wondering why my behaviour is different than normal, and I want to tell her the truth, but I don't want to worry her.
On the one hand we are keeping something from her, but on the other the question is what can she do with that information. (Of course, the same rationale could be used for me: I'm 400km away. What good does knowing about this do me?)
I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's difficult to have concerns in your life when you have children. You can't respond the way you normally would, and you have to maintain the illusion that everything is OK for their sake.
I just can't shake the feeling that I am lying to her, something that we have tried so hard to instill in her as a forbidden action.
It's complicated, and I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is because of my dad and how much is related to my mind manufacturing issues to deal with to distract myself from the problem.
What do you think? Do you lie to your kids about stuff if you are trying to protect them? Does it bother you to lie to them? Am I just over-thinking everything right now?
I also have a new review up for Febreze SPORT Extreme Odor Eliminator.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
19 shared their side:
Our kids are on a need to know basis. They don't need to know about our financial problems, marital problems or other things that would be too much too them.
When my wife went to the hospital a few times last month. We didn't tell tell the kids until they asked where mommy was. They know that mommy comes home feeling better so when I tell them, they're ok.
I'm sure she could understand if you told her that grandpa is sick. maybe she might want to call and let him know that she hopes he gets better or something.
I don't see it as lying, just letting them know what they can handle. And if she questions more, give her what you know she'll be able to understand.
To this day I can't get much info out of my parents until after the fact because they don't want to worry me needlessly they say. I think it is just a habit at this point. My dad had a number of back surgeries a few years ago. He's 600 miles away so we said nothing to the kids at the time. Later, after it was over & he was home recovering I told them what had happened because I was going to call Mom & they would want to say hi. My brother in town told his that Pa was getting his back fixed so it wouldn't hurt him so much. They needed to know something because they saw him every day and he put it in simple terms.
They just are not equipped at 4 to really understand the situation & not being present to see Pa and how he is doing I think would have added unneeded stress to their lives. It's omission sure, but we don't tell the kids the details of our finances either just "no, that toy costs too much." Fuller explanations of things come as their understanding grows
I was going to say you're probably just thinking about it too much but that's a really stupid thing to say because of course you're thinking about it too much, it's probably all you can think about at the minute. I wouldn't tell Chloe about something like this and I would suggest not telling Munchkin. As you say there is nothing she can do with the information apart from worry about it and from what I can gather Munchkin is sensitive so she would worry about it.
At the end of the day you'll tell her eventually once you actually have all the information yourself so it isn't lying, you're just holding off telling her the truth for a while.
I know that when I tell Chloe something there's nothing worse than having to answer one of her questions with "I don't know" because then she fills in the blanks herself, best to wait until you know everything yourself first, process it and think about how to put it into words she'll be able to deal with.
They wouldn't understand. They don't have the life experiences yet. That said, I would be doing exactly what you are doing, making the most of your time with your kids.
Don't consider it lying. You don't want to scare them. Keep them on a need to know basis.
Hope everything turns out ok. Thinking of you guys.
Tough call.
When Mike's grandpa was sick we told Matt when we had to.
My mom battled breast cancer earlier this year and I did tell my son that grandma was sick but not the extent of it. I had to tell him something because I disappeared for a week to go be with her.
I think telling kids you are worried about someone is okay but you don't have to say anything specific about what worries you. If you really don't want her to get upset you could even say you are worried about a friend, which is not essential a lie, so she knows you've got something on your mind but doesn't worry herself with the who part.
When my mom got sick it was the first time anything major had happened and it pretty much took over all my thoughts and my actions. I couldn't cook, do ordinary tasks or really function well at all for the first week or so. Telling my son helped me and helped him to know why I was being so strange.
I think I'd do what you're doing. It's not lying, really. It's waiting to tell the truth.
Your emotions are on overdrive and excusably so (I know that is not a word, but let's move on).
I studied child development and the one thing that was consistently thrown at me through my years at school is that chuldren are incredibly intelligent. They may not know exactly what is going on but they FEEL what is going on. They recognize the change in air, the heightened tension or emotion, they can not explain it but they know something is up...they will watch and react to the change how you allow them to. They may recognize that you needed the extra hugs and loves...they may understand that being a little quieter or less obtrusive for Dad is needed.
Not that that is what happened, I'm just saying don't underestimate their intelligence, they don't understand logic as we adults do, but they understand emotion sometimes even better than we do.
You are a guy so this might go on deaf ears, but you should allow yourself to cry if you feel on the verge, it's your bodies natural way of unloading... :)
I will remain praying for you and your family.
I'm with Bolton on this one. Tell her that her grandpa is sick and see where it goes from there. Not having a child of age that I have no words of wisdom to offer you. I really hope your dad pulls through this.
I truly think we're doing the right thing here. Every child is different, right? We know that Munchkin is a particularly sensitive child and a worrier. We don't want to cause her too much alarm at this point. If is something that is going to be long term, then we will definitely share more info with her.
She is going through enough in her own little life with school that I personally don't want to overburden her with too much info to process, you know?!
You and MTM know your daughter best. Personally, I wouldn't tell her as there is NOTHING she can do except worry and you don't want to put that burden on her. Unless she is going to see her grandpa while he's sick, I don't see what could be gained by telling her.
It's not lying -- you're definitely protecting her.
I come from the school of thought that what people don't need to know won't hurt them.
To be honest - I do think you're over thinking it right now. You've got a lot on your mind; go easy on yourself, huh?
Sometimes, the truth is far more complicated that we can explain to our kids.
Hang in there Sci-Fi and MTM.
xoxo
You gotta go with your gut on this one. You know Munchkin best.
You're not lying to her. When or if she asks what's going on, tell her as much as you think she can handle.
Please take care of yourself. You're a great husband and great father but you need to allow yourself to be the son. You're allowed to worry. You're allowed to be scared. Find some quiet time to yourself where you can go through whatever roller-coster of emotions that you're feeling. Shed those tears, if you need to.
Sending lots of postive thoughts and I will pray.
This is totally different from "lying". She's only 4, she definitely doesn't need to know anything about this until/if, as MTM said, it becomes a long-term change in her life.
There are just some things that kids don't need to hear about, they haven't had enough life experience yet to understand how to compartmentalize the information and emotionally come to terms with it... with Bunny being so sensitive, it may just instill a bit of fear that her own daddy could also get sick, etc. Children need time to develop coping mechanisms to the harsh realities of the world, and by age 4 they just might not be there yet.
You're doing the right thing for now.
I hope you get some good news from his tests.
Of course this is going to be heavy on your mind and at some point you can tell Munchkin that her Grandpa isn't feeling well or whatever you choose to tell him. I just say, keep it age appropriate and according to the child. You and MTM know your children best.
Continued thoughts and prayers for your dad!
You're not lying to her. You have to deliver her information as she can process it.
Again, so sorry about all of this.
So sorry to hear about this - and sorry for not commenting earlier. Haven't touched a computer in almost a week.
You're not lying to her. I'm a firm believer in not giving people information unless it immediately affects them and there's something productive they can do about it. If you're planning on making a trip to go see him - with or without her - then I'd say something along the lines of "Grandpa's sick and in the hospital, and I want to see him." But until that time, there's no need to give her something to worry about.
Post a Comment