Special

Every day in Munchkin's class a different child is named the predetermined teacher's pet special student of the day. In addition to being the teacher's helper and doing stuff like bringing the attendance down to the office and beating down the insurgents other very important tasks, this student gets one perk. That day is their day for what we used to call "show and tell" back in the day (now it's called "show and share" because in our politically correct society you don't tell people stuff, you share it).

One would think that in a situation where kids are discouraged from bringing personal effects, an opportunity to bring something special in would be unregulated and exciting. One would be wrong. Horribly, horribly, wrong. No, you see, the special student gig? It's homework; because as the special student you cannot necessarily bring in your favourite toy, or a cherished momento, not unless it begins with the same letter as your name. That's right: even "show and share" isn't safe from the literacy police. And one item to share isn't enough; you need three.

Tomorrow is Munchkin's turn to be the special student. As we were brainstorming ideas for things she could bring, I started throwing out ones that were not completely inappropriate, but would have made for at least some awkwardness. (For the record, I was aiming for embarassing the teacher into letting the kids pick their own items to share.)

For example,

• if your child's name begins with A, they could bring ammunition
• if your child's name begins with B, they could bring a Bible (it's public school)
• if your child's name begins with C, they could bring a condom
• if your child's name begins with D, they could bring darts
• if your child's name begins with E, they could bring earwigs
• if your child's name begins with F, they could bring fire
• if your child's name begins with G, they could bring a goiter
• if your child's name begins with H, they could bring handcuffs
• if your child's name begins with I, they could bring implants (dental, breast, your choice)
• if your child's name begins with J, they could bring Jesus
• if your child's name begins with K, they could bring killer bees
• if your child's name begins with L, they could bring Luke and Leia action figures (but only if he/she gets to discuss the fact that they are twins but kissed in Episode IV)
• if your child's name begins with M, they could bring mould
• if your child's name begins with N, they could bring a Nazi flag
• if your child's name begins with O, they could bring an Ozzy Osborne action figure (ideally one where he's biting the head off of a bat)
• if your child's name begins with P, they could bring pesticide
• if your child's name begins with Q, they could bring a Qu'ran
• if your child's name begins with R, they could bring ribs (bonus if they are BBQ)
• if your child's name begins with S, they could bring suppositories
• if your child's name begins with T, they could bring a Torah
• if your child's name begins with U, they could bring underpants
• if your child's name begins with V, they could bring veins from a freshly slaughtered chicken
• if your child's name begins with W, they could bring water (in a super soaker)
• if your child's name begins with X, they could bring x-ray films (from the time "something" got stuck where it shouldn't have been)
• if your child's name begins with Y, they could bring yak jerky
• if your child's name begins with Z, they could bring a zombie

In the comments: who's got better ideas? (Remember, with only 20-odd kids in the class, she gets to be "special" more than once!)