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Dear Munchkin,
Last Tuesday, you came home from school and informed Mommy that you had a bad day. When I came home, we had a chat, and you explained that you were frightened by a conversation two of the boys you sit with were having (something about robots and/or aliens). We suggested that you try to make friends with the other girl at your table (you are seated four to a table, one JK/SK boy/girl), and although you were skeptical, you took the suggestion.
Two days later, you boarded the school bus only after repeatedly voicing your misgivings to Mommy, and ended up staring at her through the window - longingly - as it pulled away. (This is the first time you have ever acknowledged that Mommy was even there once you got on the bus, as you are usually too busy talking to other kids.) That afternoon, your teacher left us a voicemail about some circumstances that happened throughout the day, prompting us to talk to you about it. You came home and announced that it was a great day. However, apparently, on Tuesday and again on Thursday, you cried for Mommy at lunch, and needed to be consoled by the vice principal who walked with you around the school and tried to calm you down. She also mentioned you were brought to the classroom by an older child who saw you crying on the bus. When we asked you about this, you said that you were homesick and missed Mommy. We explained that we understood, but that it was important for you to go to school.
The next day was another school day for you, and you approached the bus stop with trepidation. This time, you steadfastly refused to board the bus (through tears) and Mommy had to relent and take you to school herself, where you sobbed and wailed when she finally left you in the classroom. She picked you up that day (she had already planned to do that prior to these events) and learned that you settled pretty quickly in the morning, but were again somber and crying at lunch until you learned it was indoor recess and you could colour in the classroom instead of play in the yard. You were also exceptionally happy to see her when she picked you up.
We talked a lot about school this weekend in anticipation of today, another school day. You are not, as I write this, overly eager to return (you even had nightmares about school this weekend), and when pressed for an explanation, you say that you miss Mommy. We did learn, however, that some of the other kids in the playground at lunch hour make you uncomfortable (some because they're strangers, and some because they do things you don't like and won't stop - like shaking something you're on, for example). We also learned you felt helpless and alone because you didn't know that the adult monitor wasn't a "stranger stranger" and was in fact someone you could ask for help. It is our hope that your new knowledge combined with our discussions (and a little talk with your teacher) will help the situation. In an effort to ease you back into the situation, Mommy will be driving and picking you up this week, and wean you back on to the bus next week.
In truth, Munchkin, I expected this. You are a bright and wonderful child, but you are also cautious and attached to Mommy far more than the average child, probably owing in no small part to her being a SAHM. I am surprised that it took until October for this to manifest itself, but I suppose the short answer is that the bloom is off the school rose and now you've realized that it's just one of those things in life instead of the wonderful new thing you experienced in September. That is not to say I am OK with your suffering and sadness; just that I knew it was coming.
I wish I knew some magic solution to your problem, but I don't. Other than acknowledging your feelings and admitting that I share them when I am at work, there seems like little I can do. I will, however, ask the internets (as I have been known to do from time to time) for ideas and support as we navigate this trying time together.
In the meantime, know that I love you, and I am very proud of you for all the efforts you are making. I know going to school can be an exciting but also scary experience, and you are doing beautifully, all things considered.
Love,
Daddy
xoxo
So, what advice or anecdotes do you have to offer or share? Have any of you had this severe a response this late in the school year with younger kids? What techniques worked for you?
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Sorry she's dealing with this. I'm sure it will pass and I'm sure you're doing the right thing.
I dealt with this - on a lesser scale - when Oliver started preschool. It was really tough to go through as a parent, and just as tough for him, too. You've all got my sympathies.
I think the best thing that I did - and that you are doing - is talking. We all talked about it - we talked about it at home, we talked about at preschool. We talked to his teachers and we encouraged him to talk to his teachers, too. To let them know how he was feeling. It's a huge adjustment, and Munchkin will be fine in the long run. But it's hard at first, and I think you guys are doing the right things.
Good job Mom and Dad.. My daughter is not in school yet, I wouldn't have thought it could happen after a few months in. It seems like you two are doing great.
I will be honest, I have never had this problem with my children.
But I have had friends that have and the recurring thing is that the child, somehow, is getting picked on. The brighter the child the less likely they are to tell because somehow they have an innate sense that it may make the situation worse.
Now being picked on doesn't mean they are being bullied it just depends on the sensitivity level of the child. The more sensitive the child, the more likely they are to feel picked on.
If the school is a good school and your daughter isn't being picked on, then I don't see a reason for her to react this way, even if she is attached to her Mom this late in the game because for children learning is naturally fun for them.
My friends kids usually found A friend. Honestly, they found a friend they were comfortable with and it somehow took care of the problem. Not sure if it was because they it took their attention off of being over sensitive or if having a friend made them stronger by numbers.
But I remember one of my friends making playdates after school to get the friend process started and once finding the one they got along with best continuing those play dates on a weekly basis all through school.
Also, you may want to go to school and observe one day, if possible without her or the others knowing you are there.
In my daughters pre school they have those windows you can look in, but they can't see u. Observing your child interact with others unaware goes a long way with helping to figure out what could be done to help.
Ok, sorry about the novel...and this is all just speculation...obviously
Wow. that sucks.
Our experiences with matt were different, but we did deal with tears, not wanting to go to school, etc. And, it took awhile for that to kick in. Probably November.
And then he told me he was sick.
We did the same as you. Talked about it. Talked to the teacher.
We were also dealing with major discipline issues (hitting/biting/etc) and so it was hard because as much as we were worried was also had to bring in discipline.
But, it was okay in the end.
The one thing I wanted to mention was that in our class we had a couple weeks where parents came in for visits (like an hour each). For some reason this totally threw Matt off. He hated it.
I'm just going to try and learn from your experiences.
I'm sorry for Munchkin. It's so hard to see them upset (or hear about it afterwards) and know that there isn't much you can do. Letting her know the monitor is not a stranger stranger is good. I tell my son to find a teacher if someone bothers him but he often doesn't tell anyone when something happens.
Is she a rough and tumble kid? Or more quiet liking to color or read instead of climb? Maybe that accounts for some of her wariness about going out on the playground. There isn't much to do about that aspect since they all have to play outside but maybe she will find another girl who enjoys the same (or a boy, as Thor isn't rough and tumble either).
I hope she feels better about school soon. Seeing as she has a lot of years of it ahead, I hope she can see that it can be a fun place and something special she can tell MTM about. That while MTM isn't there when she's having these adventures and she misses her, it can still be a wonderful experience.
Yeah. You should to read that book I e-mailed you about. I know how you feel EXACTLY.
My daughter is also very attached to me. While it's caused problems with situations like the one you've described, I will never regret that kind of bond. We're, as you know, so lucky and blessed to have children with the ability to recognize that we're so important to them so early on.
Today, I drove her to school and I had to walk her right up to the door when it was time to go in. Her teacher literally had to peel her off of me, kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs.
I feel sick. I just feel sick right now!
Oh dear... hrm. This is really too bad, since she started off so strong. I mean, in reality this is actually still pretty early in the school year; probably by November she'll be more into the routine of it.
They send the JK students out for recess at your school? No school I've worked at so far has had their kindergarten kids out for recess in the same area as the other children ... and some even have them outside at their own special time. I could see being outside with the big kids being very intimidating for a JK student, that would understandably cause her anxiety at lunchtime.
I think the fact you've talked about it will be good. Also, the big thing is that kids need to learn that they do have to go to school and that crying doesn't allow them to stay home.... so while it's painful as the parent to have her crying at the door, you're definitely doing the right thing by making her go. She will adjust, by human nature she'll get used to being at school, it's just taking her a bit of time to get into it.
Keep us updated... I hope things turn around for her soon. :-)
I got nothing.
This is a touching letter, and I'm sorry y'all are going through this tough time.
Ugh. I think I want to fast forward to the one where you are saying "remember when she was uncomfortable with staying at / going to school? Yeah, now she throws a tantrum when it's time to leave". My heart is aching.
My only addition would be that some people claim that their kids are *super-independant* because of having a SAHP, so don't be too quick to blame that.
Be absolutely sure that it IS because of her personality and not because of an incident, or circumstance she faces (my kid had great anxiety because of the fire drills, for example - still does to some extent, but now the grade 4 needle takes higher precedence), and just take it day to day with the patience & understanding that it sounds like you are providing!
Aw shit, Sci-Fi, I'm sorry. I have no good answers here. I'm just sorry. This has to kill you and MTM. I'm sorry for both you and MTM.
You're doing the right thing and you're doing what you have to do for her. She has to do this and it's important.
I don't like to do this but here I go:
*hugs*
That sucks for her. I hate to see my little guy go through any pain and it would be torture to send them away knowing how miserable it makes them.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things though. Sometimes there are no easy solutions, only time.
No advice or suggestions. Poor baby, I can only imagine how tough this is for all of you - for you and MTM as her parents and wanting to both protect her and help her make her way into her own life, and for her to be so scared and not have you there to protect her every step of the way.
I hope you're all able to come up with a solution so that school becomes a thing of pleasure instead of pain for her.
I've commented on MTM's post on her blog.
I wish I had more words of wisdom, but I don't. I can only send positive thoughts and hopes that this passes soon.
It does sound like you're doing everything right. Keep talking and listening and being supportive. A+ for good parenting.
Poor Munchkin. I expect similar things from the Bean in year or so.
I know you have talked with the teacher, but I am still kind of concerned about this situation. I just went back and read your post from the 5th and am wondering if that situation with the older boy was ever discussed. She could be at a table with the wrong set of kids. I am wondering if they and/ or others are intimidating her in some way that she can not express. This has got to be worrying for the both of you. I hope it works itself out soon.
I was always a kid with attachment issues and, later, enormous anxiety. I'm not saying that Munchkin is or will be but just that I can relate! What I've realized over the past 24 years that helps..
-consistency. Routine is enormous. Knowing what happens next makes it much better.
-follow through on whatever you say; ie, if you told her she's taking the bus next week, she needs to.
-don't drag on the goodbyes. the kid will try to, generally, and even though they do it to try to stay comfortable for longer, it makes it worse.
-do not visit/drop in. while the idea of it seems great, trust me, it makes everything harder. (routine!)
one thing i always do is remind them, it will get better. even very young children understand, even if they don't want to in the moment.
I also worked in Kindergarten and it is not highly unusual for this to happen after having been in school for a few months. It seems to me when it happens in this way that there are similarities to culture shock- there's that great beginning stage then a drop off then it settles...
Best of luck.
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