Subscribe
Yesterday, we were getting ready to go out for some errands after lunch when Munchkin came upstairs to show MTM (who was changing Buddy) and I something. MTM asked her to go to the bathroom before we left, and Munchkin proceeded into our room to show me. I looked at her craft, then reminded her to use the toilet like her mother asked. She said, "Yeah," and then continued discussing the craft. I responded by asking her to go to the washroom like MTM had told her.
"I said I'll go!" she said in the most snotty voice I've ever heard her use.
Time for a digression.
In the past couple of weeks, there has been a dramatic change in Munchkin's responses to us. Before, she was fairly agreeable most of the time, and when she was unhappy with something, she would whine or complain like any kid, but it was tolerable. Since then, she has started to sigh loudly, growl (that "grr" sound people make when angry or frustrated), roll her eyes, and speak with attitude. It has probably happened at least a dozen times, with two severe incidents being dealt with by MTM. The above incident was the third one that weekend, and I decided it was time for it to stop.
Aaand... back to the story.
"What?!?" I said in my angry Daddy voice (something between a deep yell and a roar; my emotions got the better of me), "You do not speak to me like that. Go to your room. You are not going on errands."
"But, but..." she started.
"Your room. Now." She left.
"What happened?" MTM came in carrying Buddy.
"You can go shopping by yourself, Mommy," I said, loud enough for Munchkin to hear. "Munchkin will stay in her room while you're gone."
"Are you serious?" MTM asked in a whisper.
"I am," I replied loudly. "I have had enough. It is not OK to talk to us that way, and Munchkin has to learn."
"This seems harsh," she said quietly.
"It's the only way she'll learn," I replied as quietly.
"OK, well I will take Buddy along."
"OK."
(For the record, I don't let loose with that sort of yelling often. I raise my voice from time to time, usually when she's done something to hurt me like leap on my back, or when she's about to kick Buddy in the head. I don't feel good about yelling at her like that, but I was so incensed and I reacted quickly and with conviction.)
They left, and for the 90 minutes they were gone, Munchkin alternated between wailing loudly and playing with a Leap Pad. Every time I heard her door knob move, I called out to her, asking why she was opening her door. She closed it immediately each time.
When I heard them come in, I knocked on the door to Munchkin's room and when invited in, I entered. I sat on her bed and explained that she needed to speak nicely, not just to her mother and I, but to everyone. I further explained that if she didn't stop speaking like that, she would continue to spend time in her bedroom. I ended the discussion with telling her I loved her, and that she was still my special girl.
I'd like to say that my handling of the situation produced a marked change in my daughter, but then I'd be lying. No, she was pretty much just as rude, if not more so, as before. MTM blames it on being overtired (she stayed up later than usual on Saturday night) but I'm not so sure.
I know "talking back" is a normal part of a child's development, that she's experimenting with boundaries and testing to see how her words can effect others. However, that doesn't make it any less frustrating. What have you done when your kids talked back? How did you handle the problem? Have you found any solutions or coping strategies?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
16 shared their side:
This is a big thing that I'm going thru right now. My 4 y/o daughter does the same things you described. Except, she doesn't stay in her room.
When I'm home getting the evening chores done (such as dinner, baths, etc.) and she has a melt down, I try to talk to her, the time out, but I have other things I need to finish. I can't let her know that her actions will continue to disrupt the evening. So, I just let her cry it out. She'll scream and I'll not respond while she is crying and yelling. She eventually calms down and says she's sorry on her own.
It's ok after that.
But my yelling was a topic of conversation last night. But it was after I walked out of the bathroom to see the boy was coloring on the walls.
I keep jumper cables hooked up to a battery for these occasions.
I think your daughter is going through something that is very typical for her age. We are going through the same thing with our 4 year old. I think that you are wise to deal with this right away like you are. Letting it go, says to them that it is okay. It means addressing it each time it happens and that can mean A LOT at first but if you stick at it, you will see a change. We too, make little man go into his room. He has missed out on going places or doing something he wants to do. If he is talking to his sister in this way, he gives up the toy or whatever they were doing and has to leave until he is ready to play nice. It's very hard some days because it's like he takes a step back and we have to stay on it and that means I have to stop whatever I'm doing...Ugh! Then others this disrespect doesn't come out at all and makes taking the time to address it all worth it! Good luck!
we are struggling to. Big time.
I have been shouting more than normal and it sucks.
As for the talking back thing - in all honesty, half the time I don't think Matt even gets what he is doing. I'm not justifying it, but sometimes I will call him on it, and he doesn't think he's talking back. It's tough.
I remember being little (and a teenager) and my parents calling me on whining. And it drove me insane because I didn't think I was whining.
Of course I think you should still be called out for it, but I also see the other side. The WTF? aspect on the kid's part.
Welcome to the joys of having a school age child. Honestly Thor was the best behaved kid I'd ever met (and people frequently told me so). He cleaned up his toys, did everything I asked and always said please/thank you and talked politely.
Then he went to school. They learn a lot of very bad habits at school and they pick up on how other kids behave. I doubt she's really noticing how she's speaking differently to you. Since she's hearing similar ways of addressing people at school from the other kids she's adapted to whatever they are doing.
We used a book (not to be a book parent but...) that helped a lot with our responses and his as well. (I tend to be the yeller in the family. Push the button far enough and you'll get the wrath).
Parenting With Love and Logic is the name. It gives the child the power - which is what it's all about anyway. They want to control when they do something such as when she used the bathroom. It might help. It can't hurt.
I'd love to say this is a completely new thing that Chloe on'y picked up since starting school so that I could blame someone else's kid for being a bad influence on her, but actually she pushed it a few times over the Summer too. Same sort of things, rolling her eyes, talking back, stomping off and refusing to listen a couple of times, not so much with the growling but she's stuck her tongue out a couple of times too which I think is worse. That wee grr noise is more about frustration with something whereas sticking her tongue out is just plain cheek!
Our problem is mostly consistency, my mum and I are both quite softly spoken (well most of the time) so when we raise our voice or shout at her for misbehaving it gets her attention whereas Robert and my dad would naturally speak more loudly and they both have quite deep gruff voices so shouting doesn't have the same effect, they'd have to really scream to get the same result as my mum and I and neither of them wuld be comfortable with that so she gets sent to her room.
It seems to come and go, she was really cheeky there for a week or so, but has been lovely the last week so we're just waiting for the next little off week!
This is close to home - mostly because of all things, I never, ever want the girl to become some spoiled chicka who is rude to others.
She's almost 4 and tries a bit of the same attitude on occasion. I think it's a bit of pushing of boundaries, a bit of JK influence (other kids) and a lovely foreshadowing of adolescence (cue the eyerolling!).
I think the antidote depends on your child - our girl is a big extrovert and loves hanging out with mommy and daddy. For her, a short time out gets her attention pretty quickly. And then we talk about the backtalk at another time when she is calm.
For other kids, their "currency" (what matters to them) would be different.
I think the recurring theme here is consistency... and jumper cables. But I might be projecting a little.
The added message I try to hammer home (some days I wish I could use a real hammer. Oh come on! At least a rubber mallet! A gavel? On the counter, is all I'm saying...) is you may not be able to control how you *feel* about something (frustrated, angry, nagged at), but you can and MUST control your reactions to how you feel. Outbursts, whining and ATTITUDE (a four-letter word in my house) are controllable.
I've been dealing with this off and on with one or the other of the boys for a couple years now. It comes and goes with them. I send them to their room and try not to shout when it gets to me. I do yell though. I'm rereading Scream Free Parenting now.
When their time out is over we have a little talk about how you say things being as important as what you say and I give them examples of better ways to have said/done whatever it was that started the problem.
They'll be great for days and then there will be several days where they are rude & demanding again. It gets old fast but there does seem to be improvement in the long term
Apparently, the attitude fairy that has been coaching my 5-year-old has been moonlighting over your place.
Consistency, dude. S'all you can do.
Consistency, time out's and talking to's. Occasional spankings. It was not and never will be tolerated in my house. Period.
Well played, Sci-Fi.
My children are perfect and never talk back.
It gets better and then worse. Sorry, not much help. My five year old let out with the Eye rolling and a loud "DUH, I already told you" the other day. And my eight year old - ughh. Sweet, sweet children, but man, the girl-i-tudes I could live without.
We're going through the same exact thing with our daughter. At first, I was really disciplinarian...issuing time outs, room in, etc. I found that ineffective. Now, if she talks to me that way, I very dramatically start ignoring her. When she says, Mommy are you listening? I say, "No, I am not. I do not listen or talk to people who don't treat me with respect. When you are ready to speak to me respectfully, that's when I'll start listening."
I realized that if we want our kids to stick up for themselves, we have to teach them how to stick up for themselves in an appropriate way. It's worked really well.
Most of the time. :)
I'm sorry it didn't work for you. I have no advice to offer. My son's in a bratty phase too.
I think you did a great job. It's exactly in-line with the approach I would have taken. That said, I may need to dust off the jumpers and find an old battery......
Post a Comment