Today's post is (again) inspired by a question posed by another blogger. While I strongly recommend you read the entire thing, it has been my experience that few readers actually read the reference links. So, in the interest of both completeness and brevity, I will summarize here. Four scenarios are presented (your kid is the only one not invited to a party, a dad is excluded from a playgroup, the maid isn't doing as good a job, a service provider begins shirking their duties) where you are presented with the opportunity to "use your words". How would you handle them, or other situations of a similar nature?
Shout 2000 by Disturbed
To those who are new visitors to this blog, possibly via the link list at the source, I must offer the following introduction. Regular readers will likely nod their heads and are welcome to skip ahead to the next paragraph since it will be nothing they have not read (or surmised) before. I am a very straightforward person. I say what I think and mean what I say (wait, aren't those two statements repetitive?) and I have been known to be sarcastic and self-deprecating from time to time (not that those last two facts are completely relevant). How I write (speak?) on this blog is how I am in real life situations. I am fiercely liberal, bordering on socialist. And I firmly believe that everyone has rights. Especially me, and those I care about.
All four of those scenarios are woven from the same thread. In modern society, being polite is synonymous with being quiet. Rude people are loud and speak out. Nice people keep their mouths shut. Mean people disagree with you.
In the eyes of modern society, I am a loud, rude, mean person. But I disagree with that assessment (well, most of it - I am loud).
I believe that silent acceptance is tacit approval. If you disagree and say nothing, you are as bad as the person who said what you disagree with. (In truth, you are probably worse; since you disagree you are intelligent enough to know better, and by your inaction you are allowing someone less intelligent to propagate a faulty statement.) So, were I in one of those situations, in a vacuum, I would say something.
Why the in a vacuum caveat? Because I no longer live life as an individual, but rather as half of a partnership with my wife. So, if the resulting situation would affect her (such as the non-invite would if it were a circle of friends), I tend to avoid direct confrontation and employ a more passive-aggressive approach (such as not calling the non-inviters anymore).
But in all the other situations, I would say something. In many occasions, I have unintentionally offended someone (easiest example: my in-laws) by disagreeing and pointing out the nature of their opinions. And I am often seen as the "shit disturber" who can't leave well enough alone. But I don't care, because ultimately those who are intelligent enough to look not just at actions, but at motives, understand why I am the way I am.
I believe that to effect change, we need to be the one changing. When we disagree with something and feel that changing it would improve circumstances overall, we have a responsibility to ourselves, our community, our world to make that change. Playing a victim and feeling angry or put upon serves no positive purpose.
My daughter is not quite three years old, and I have already started to (very subtly) encourage this in her. For example, this past weekend, we were on a long drive when I heard her repeating herself to my wife, "Daddy turned off my music." (I had, in fact, turned off the CD for a few moments to listen for a "car noise" that would eventually be identified as a figment of my wife's imagination, but the CD had been resumed for over ten minutes.) We tried to understand why she clung so tenaciously to this fact, and eventually figured out that what she meant was that the mix CD had progressed past the first two songs (which she favoured immensely over the remainder of tracks), and she wanted the first two tracks again. We had the following exchange:
SFD: Munchkin, why do you keep saying, "Daddy turned off my music"?
Munchkin: Because you turned it off.
SFD: But it's on now.
Munchkin: But not my favourite songs. I want my favourite songs.
SFD: But how does Daddy know what you want if you don't tell me?
Munchkin: silence
SFD: Munchkin, do you think if you asked Daddy to play your favourite song instead of complaining, that I would play it?
Munchkin: Mmm hmm.
SFD: OK then.
Munchkin: Daddy?
SFD: Yes sweetheart?
Munchkin: Can I please listen to my favourite song?
SFD: Of course.
Munchkin: Thank you Daddy. I asked you for what I wanted.
SFD: That's great sweetheart.
It was an admittedly small step, but I like to think it planted a seed in her head; that when she wants something to change, she needs to communicate that instead of feeling sorry for herself.
This post was composed as part of this week's Hump Day Hmm, hosted by Julie Pippert at Using My Words. You can visit her blog to see more perspectives on this subject.
13 comment:
My wife and you have the "speak out or risk tacit approval" thing in common for sure. She's walked past people smoking over their baby and loudly expressed her shock and disgust. She's complained out loud about service at a restaurant as the guilty waitress walks by. She definitely likes to share her opinion over keeping silent and letting injustices pass by. I feel the same way, but I don't always act the same way. I am more of the "grumble about it quietly and complain to my wife or friends later" type in some situations. I can be very harsh to those I am comfortable with (read: close family and friends). I've called my Mom's best friend a bigot before, for instance. I can definitely let my tongue get ahead of me at times when it comes to decrying injustice.
It's funny that you are teaching this lesson to your 3 year old. I happen to be teaching it to my mother. The idea that being quiet = good whether that's child, wife, mother, citizen, human being and it just ain't so.
I don't have many friends anymore because of tacit unquiet on my part but the ones I do have I would trust with my life.
I've been described as obnoxious, rude, bitchy, opinionated, mean and callous.
And I'm okay with that.
I grew up painfully shy and quiet and that often got me the short end of the stick. I've since grown in the other direction, although I fluctuate between the two depending on the situation. I usually bite my tongue out of politeness though. (Manners, manners.) I won't go out of my way to be rude to someone unless they do something to me first.
My blatant honesty tends to be paired with a pretty decent ability to read people and it's gotten me into arguments before; someone will say So-and-so is so awesome! And amazing! And I'm just being hateful! So I just let it go and quietly keep to myself until lo and behold! So-and-so is a jackass! and I'm no longer a cold heartless bitch.
"In modern society, being polite is synonymous with being quiet. Rude people are loud and speak out. Nice people keep their mouths shut. Mean people disagree with you.
In the eyes of modern society, I am a loud, rude, mean person. But I disagree with that assessment (well, most of it - I am loud)."
Oh AMEN to that and censure can hurt. It's especially hard, I think, to be this way (as I am) and be a woman (as I am). But I might be biased. It does *sometimes* seem as though a man asserting opinions or boundaries is more accepted, which is not to say it's an easy road.
I'm glad you covered that end of it. I deleted about five paragraphs from my post along those lines and while I hated to cut out the point of it, I needed to for focus and brevity (or something closer to something akin to brevity).
I'm also glad you brought up the lesson for kids.
I tell my girls all the time to use their words and believe you me they are not shy about doing it...most of the time. Patience is fairly shy in general but she's getting her voice stronger and it makes me proud.
I was taught to throw myself under the bus for other people. In fact, when I did "use my words" to stand up for my values and ethics, sometimes my harshest critics and biggest detractors were my own parents! I won't do that to my kids.
A simple "harrumph" in agreement.
I liked this post.
I have to admit that I have a tendency to say how I feel as well - how many times have I been told "how do you really feel?" because I've said what's on my mind.
The thing I've learned is that often if you say what you're thinking in situations like that people will thank you after.
I tend to say things nicely, but I do say them...
As for kids. Like you taught your daughter, you need to express yourself.
PS It drives me insane when my hubby turns off the music in the car to listen to "car noises". Seriously INSANE!
I like the underpinning of what you taught Munchkin with the favorite song conversation. Things are often achieved far more easily with a simple polite request.
Sometimes it seems people make the proverbial mountains out of molehills instead of simply asking for clarification.
I love your post. I agree that silence is dangerous and should be viewed as a negative thing in *some* situations - however I would have to respectfully disagree with the assumption that 'being polite is synonymous with being quiet' - I don't find this to be the case. I can politely articulate my position and engage someone in a thought process about my point of view without being loud or obnoxious to them in the process - I like to view it as the 'you catch more bees with honey' approach.
Sometimes people just need to engage a decent 'social filter' especially if people's feelings are on the line.
I was brought up to believe that if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Breaking this mold has been extremely difficult. I have a hard time standing up for myself or voicing any sort of dissent.
Great post, SFD. Great food for thought.
Well I would have to disagree that being silent = agreeing. I do believe in not alienating people and not burning bridges wherever I go. It's not that I don't institute change (just ask people at work), but I like to do it with consensus, not with rudeness.
I like what you are doing with your daughter. That is sooo important.
And stirring up stuff with in-laws...well, that's my life. In fact, my post today stirred up a big one. Oops. Guess I'm gonna have to use my words to get out of this one.
I think we have a lot in common, though I like to think I am a socialist who happens to be trapped in a capitalist nightmare.
I like what you are doing with your girls.
In the past I think I have perhaps showed too little tact when speaking out. I am attempting to be assertive, or manipulative or whatever anyone wants to call it as long as I get my way,
I was thinking of you last week when I had a very very nice meeting with my CCAC worker about services my daughter is entitled to but is not receiving. I had printed that article on Olivia Chow you had written about months ago. Boy did the phone calls and services ever pick up this week.
I LOVE the conversation you had with the munchkin, SFD. Good stuff! that is SUCH an important thing to learn. You're giving her such great tools....
I also love the new look of the blog! Haven't had a chance to tell you yet!
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