THS: An Open Letter

Yes, today's song is from Kelly Clarkson, and it would be very easy for me to lie to you and say that it is all tongue in cheek (like the time I used Britney Spears). However, that is not the case. I actually really like this song. A lot. So, in the words of another blogging dad, I need to go; 1992 SFD just threw up on himself.

Never Again by Kelly Clarkson

Dear Burger Joint:

My family and I had driven by your establishment many times, often tempted by the question, "What would the burgers from a place that offered famous mall food court fries taste like?" Last night, we finally broke down and went inside.

First of all, your pricing is, to be kind, insane. If I am going to pay $8 for a cheeseburger (that would be a burger with neither fries nor drink), it had better be seasoned (i.e. not taste like a lump of meat), hand rolled on the thigh of a virgin and served to me by winged cherubs, not cafeteria style.

Onion rings are to be made with white onions, or, failing that, spanish. They should not be made with sweet red vidalia onions, and definitely not seasoned with a strange mixture that we concluded was cinnamon and nutmeg.

Finally, you serve children's burgers. That means you expect people to bring their young ones with them to eat. In that case, mixed martial arts should not, under any circumstances, be played on the television in your establishment. I have no interest in trying to explain to my not-quite-three-year-old "why that man has red stuff all over his face" nor "why is that man hitting that other man". Also, MMA does not make for appetizing viewing, especially not when one of the competitors is Butterbean.

Unfortunately, for the above reasons, we will never return to your eatery. Good luck finding violence loving members of the upper class who like sweet onions with cinnamon. I'm sure it's not as much of a niche market as I think.

Sincerely,
SciFi Dad